From the Ashes

So, 2018 was a very difficult year for me. I lost a lot. I lost my dad (my literal day one, my best friend, and literally everything that pushes me to be better wrapped in one human), one of my closest friends (my roommate, best Kiki friend, and somehow the Porsha to my Phaedra ((pre sex dungeon of course although maybe foreshadowing?? Lol)) while also being the Meredith to my Cristiana ((again foreshadowing??)), the organization that I loved so much (all I gotta say is a Gemini was involved so that’s that on that), and I even lost myself. 

Last year was filled with a lot of pain. 

This past Sunday’s sermon was about the myth that if you ignore your pain, it’ll go away. That myth is something that 2018 Joy realized to be false real freaking quick. Everywhere I turned was pain and melancholy. Depression and anxiety. Loss and heartbreak.

My life was a constant battle of trying to reapply the glue to the pieces of my broken heart. 

And yet……

Something amazing happened. 

Gratitude.

Faith.

Peace.

Joy. 

It was actually insane. The worse that things got, the stronger that my faith became. I started having what can be best described as out of body experiences. It was like I was looking down on my own self and I couldn’t believe my own strength and perseverance.  

Something my former close friend and roommate used to say is that she felt like she was living off of the prayers of her ancestors. That somehow her ancestors’ prayers were so fervent that it was enough to carry her even when she couldn’t find it in herself to pray for the strength to carry on. 

If that’s the case, I was living off the prayers of my ancestor’s ancestors AND descendants (lol). More importantly, I was for sure living, breathing, and sometimes simply just existing off the prayers of my father. (Nobody could pray like my dad much to the horror of my teenage angst but also much to the great appreciation of my current adulting.) 

So, I’m in this loop of a storm of everything that could go wrong and for some “foolish bombastic reason” (Luvvie and Yvonne from Jesus and Jollof voice) my pain was turned into praise. 

Like literal praise y’all. 

I was out here praising God on a consistent basis like he was the one that gave me life and woke me up every day (lol). 

There’s something so personal and intimate when you have absolutely nothing left in you but praise. 

All the tears had been cried. 

I had been as angry and jaded as my broken heart could handle. 

I had tried to find solace in people or things and that obviously didn’t work. 

I had been depressed all that I could manage. 

I had allowed my anxiety to keep me locked in my room long enough. 

I had literally skipped out on enough of my responsibilities (including class lol). 

I say all that to say that I’m currently in this transitional phase. I just graduated college (All Glory to God) and I just started working at my first big girl job (again all God).

It made me realize how everything comes full circle. 

Losing one of my closet friends because I finally demanded reciprocity translated into me having the confidence to negotiate for a higher salary and better benefits from my current job. 

Losing the opportunity to have my dream role in the organization that I loved taught me how to be flexible and adapt quickly. 

The pace that God sets for you can change very quickly and you have to be ready. It also proved that I will always have everything I need and that is far more important than having everything I want. 

Even losing my dad has taught me that even on the darkest days, the Lord is my shepherd and joy will come in the morning. 

Now all that is SO much easier said than done. 

The pain did not go away overnight. In fact, it’s something that I still battle til this day. I go days where I can’t talk to anyone because if I open my mouth, I’m afraid my heart will break all over again. 

I actually almost started crying and spiraling at work because I just felt so overwhelmed. Adulting is hard y’all. 

I am not perfect. I am far from a success story. I am simply just living, imperfect proof of God’s grace. 

One of my favorite stories is about the mythological phoenix that literally dies by combusting into flames and then turns into ashes. The phoenix rises then from its own ashes a better, more beautiful, and stronger version of its former self. 

The same beast but a new creation. 

That’s me.

2018 was literally a series of unfortunate events that no one saw coming and some of it you might not even believe, that should have and could have gone terribly worse. 

BUT GOD. 

I am grateful for all the pain, loss, and despair. 

The sun shines even brighter now and I appreciate all the people that rock with me even more. 

I love myself even more. I know who I am, and no one can take that away from me. 

Two things I am and will always be sure of: 

1. God is always good. 

2. I am Gabriel and Maxine’s daughter and I will always rise from the ashes.