I Don’t Know What I’m Doing: But I’m Getting Out of the Boat

So, let’s be clear. I have no idea what I’m doing with my life. I have never been as lost or unsure and yet somehow completely sure about what I need to do. 

 The stress and uncertainty that I feel are for sure apart of growing pains called adulting, but this is different. This is spiritual. 

 I know what I need to do, but I’m afraid to do it. I’m a coward. I don’t say that in a deeming way, but more out of surprise. 

 I’m at a surprising crossroads. I’m at a defining moment. This is the test to see what I’m really made of. What I do when it really counts 

I’m scared. I’m scared because this means a lot and it actually matters. I’m at the point where I either stay in the boat or I walk on water. 

 I’m so anxious because there’s no manual or step by step guide on how to walk on water aka live/do life. I have to have complete and utter faith in God. Like for real. 

 Walking on water isn’t something that happens every day for me. I have faith when the waters roar and the boat shakes and I don’t know where I am or what’s going to happen. I’ve done all that before. 

 Now I have to leave the ultimate comfort of the boat, that has held me down for 23 years, and literally step out on faith. 

 Let me break this down. There’s no crazy storm this time, no gun to my head, or life-threatening dilemma. It’s just me and a choice to finally stop depending on my loved ones’ faith and prayers to carry me forward and start having some crazy faith of my own.  

 I’m terrified. 

 I know this step is necessary and that it will be life changing, but it doesn’t take the fear away. I’m afraid of things going bad and me wasting all my time and energy, but honestly, I’m more afraid of actually succeeding. 

 When God carries me through, who will I be? I’m so comfortable here and I don’t feel ready to abandon myself, my plans, and just follow Jesus. I feel like I need more time and baby steps. 

 The crazy thing is that I’ve always known I’m destined for greatness. My purpose has always been there, getting clearer and clearer over the years. 

 I feel like Jesus when he was praying, fasting, and asking for God to spare him before he went to the cross. He came to this earth with one main purpose that he always knew and he prepared for. No amount of prayers, pep talks, and preparation could really prepare him for that moment. He was terrified, but God’s will was done. 

 That’s me. I’m terrified and even praying to be spared. 

But God’s will must be done. 

God please carry me though every day and every minute of the day. I need your grace, peace, ambition, drive, and joy. This is not easy, but I asked you to use me and the least I can do is show up when I’m called.  

 I’m getting out of the boat.