The Breaking of Chains: 2020 midyear check in.

This year has felt like the world is on fire. 

 Considering that we (well some of us; yes I see y’all at the brunches, on the boats, and at target) have spent this year dialing back, limiting outside interactions and distractions, and hopefully being more intentional with our energy; you would think that the world would be quiet. 

 And for a second there, it was. 

 Then all of a sudden everything blew up. There’s been so much going on from politics, entertainment, and even personal.

 It feels like it is both corona exposing the problems that have always been there and at the same time humans are reacting differently than ever before. 

 I know for me, a lot of this year has been draining and I have had to purposefully remove myself from certain people, situations, or conversations in order to protect my mental health. 

 Something I have been realizing is that I have persecuted myself for not following through or accomplishing all my “shoulds”. 

 I should live in this city. I should make this much money. I should look like this. 

 Let’s not forget about the “supposed tos” either. 

 I’m supposed to respond like this. I’m supposed to act like this. I’m supposed to accomplish this by this age. I’m supposed to feel like this. 

 I have been killing myself on preconceived notions of how I should be living life, the things I should do, say, or even feel, and driving myself crazy on how things are supposed be, what I’m supposed to be doing and working towards. 

 I’m typically a positive, chill person so it really surprised me when a few weeks into this quarantine I realized I was so angry. 

 I thought it was just the whole state of Florida’s dismissal of the pandemic, but I’m realizing it was and is more. 

 I was angry because the picture and life that I had built for myself in my head didn’t add up. 

 My life didn’t look like how it was supposed to. 

 I was still grateful to God for life and blessings but i was mad. With everything I’ve been through, I felt like I was owed no more problems, smooth waters and sailing from here on out, and I had reached my quota of difficulties and pain for the rest of my life.  

 The realization that I’ve put in so much work, but it was just the beginning. Just the beginning of life, of my career, of love, and of the plan God has for me. It was both mind blowing and life changing. 

 I wanted to run away from the fight. I wanted to call it quits. I wanted to be “simple” or “normal”. 

But if you have read any of my other posts or know me personally, you know I can’t stay down for long. 

 So if God is going to put in work on me I can do two things. 

 1.   Choose to not give up. 

2.   Enjoy the ride. 

 When my heart and mindset changed, so did my life. The same problems are still here and I still have trials and tribulations. I just handle it differently. 

 I know that there will be ups and downs but I also know that God will give me strength to ride the waves. 

 I’m choosing to treat this time as a purge. A time to focus more on what I actually want, what is truly for me, and how I want to do life. 

 I’m in a season of being smack dab in the middle of the things that I prayed for while simultaneously praying and looking to the future with hope, anticipation, and trying to see clearly.  

 This year, has been and will continue to be, a removal of bad habits, bad vibes, and bad intentions. 

 An internal cleansing. 

 The Breaking of generational curses and chains. 

 I am unbinding myself from fear, failures, and fate. 

 I am throwing away all my preconceived notions of how life is “supposed to” be and how things “should” go. 

 I am done limiting or downplaying my accomplishments, choices, and myself. 

There is so much power in how you are naturally. Who you are when you are still. Who you are when you are free and unencumbered. Remember that. 

 This year the world has been on fire. This fire is exposing things that have been hidden and slowly but surely cleansing the impurities. 

 So far this year I have become debt free, started therapy, saving a substantial amount towards my future, shown up for the people I care about more, cried more, laughed harder, prayed more, learned a lot lessons, unlearned a lot of falsehoods, maintained sustainable habits, told the truth both to myself and to people, binged some great content, started reading, started breathing again, forgave myself for not knowing better, mourned my losses, celebrated my wins, and showed up even on the hard days. The days where I spent the night before weeping or the days where I didn’t have the energy to work or even talk to anyone. I showed up anyways. 

Cheers to part 2 of one of the craziest years, let’s break some chains.